Episode 26: Packing For Graduation

Hi everyone, I hope you’re doing as well as you can be today. This week’s poem and episode explore memory, especially those that are valuable to recall as we approach graduation (which I know many of us are at this time), well before the tasks, lists, and thoughts surrounding moving, university, or a first full-time job set in. Think of these tasks, lists, and thoughts as the vertebrae while the potent memories are the spine that allows you movement, feeling, and a rooted way forward. 

I’ll share it with you now:

In just a few short weeks, many people
will tell you to begin packing
for a dorm or first apartment:

clothes, grocery lists,
kitchen & bathroom materials,

bedroom materials
paperwork, tech, chargers.

And you may not think of things like:

shower curtains & suction cups,
deodorant & closet hangers,

a thick duvet & cover (for cozy cocoons),

vinegar, baking soda, rubbing alcohol,

toilet paper & garbage bags,
scrubbers & can openers,

vitamins & gum.

Pause. 

Please, let me back you up a little bit
because you’ll need to pack
for graduation first, either
in a notebook or a branch of your brain, 

and on the other 

bough-like bookshelves of your mind,

you’ll find these the way you might shop
from memory & association when 

you not only forget the list but
forget just how many things
you’ve remembered… 

Perhaps there was a bully

and you stood up to them 

for someone else when 

you couldn’t for yourself.

Or maybe you didn’t but 

hitchhiked for your paper 

route for safety. 

Both are brave.

And then, either your shared
wonder about the piano

or dislike of the music teacher 

brought you together, punctuated
by the moment you pulled them up 

by the mitten strings when they fell 

through thin ice. 

Did you build the neighbourhood’s

best backyard fort while babysitting?

Perhaps the games you invented 

are the only ones you might still be  

willing to play if, now, 

you were to meet them again.

You cheated on that history test. 

Did you get caught?

Well, you’re positive that the ghosts 

of that time know because you still

feel chills in that classroom. But

maybe it’s because what you studied 

wasn’t the truth

and this is when you felt yourself

growing up.

Stray brown bunnies, curly cats, droopy dogs

(and maybe a few spiders, crickets, and frogs)
“followed” you home in a mug or recycling box 

because you knew they could find a place

to sleep, but in this town, 

maybe that place didn’t offer love. 

Love. 

And then you had nothing to prove

when you sang the lead 

in your school’s sixth-grade spring play

pronouncing your queerness behind
your character’s. But then, before 

your family reached you post-show, 

response TBD, 

your tenth-grade cousin, Drake, caught you,
“Thanks love, I have courage now.”

Eyes wide you replied, “How did you…”

but they put a pointer fingertip to your lips

& winked, pulling you into a warm hug

saying, “Welcome home.”

Did you know you wouldn’t be a doctor when
you witnessed your sibling’s birth? Phew, 

ready to puke 

the whole drive back from the hospital.

Driving wasn’t for you when you got lost
in that random little town

just riding the bike that you proceeded

to lock yourself out of…how?

Maybe your first night away from home

was when you ran away to that person’s house, 

or maybe your part-time job three blocks away,

shrinking down behind

the Cineplex popcorn counter 

instead of the bathroom 

(because it smelled & that wasn’t your job). 

But then you both got caught & fired, 

which dealt you the losing end 

of a contest with your older sister.

But sometimes you still think about that boy.

Have you ever spoken with someone

you couldn’t understand?

Did you ever want something desperately?

Did someone you know seem to have

everything you didn’t?

Could you keep yourself occupied

in a basement, attic, or closet?

Is this where you cried or 

how you kept yourself from crying?

How long would you have to wait?

How long did you wait?

Remember the excitement of waking up

at 3:00 a.m. to ride in your aunt’s helicopter,

hot air balloon, or race cars? And how maybe

you didn’t need to act so miserable

because you had to wear hand-me-downs. 

Perhaps you forgot to close the windows

when you knew 

the flood, fire, tornado, or hurricane were

on the way, and your best friend

ended up in the hospital—

bones broken beyond basketball— 

and you tried so hard to say sorry 

in your secret language

but you’re afraid, even now, 

that he never fully forgave you because

he always responds in English. 

One evening, you climbed up on the roof

with the crows & a surprise raccoon

when your parents weren’t home & you saw

your favourite second-grade math teacher 

hurting their spouse—your science teacher—

who wasn’t your favourite but your stomach 

vacuumed itself like a black hole so

you still email that science teacher  

about epic space pictures & articles.

Do you remember you

& your best friend’s nicknames?

Inspired by how your favourite 

book became a bad play, a worse

film adaptation, and why a concert

neither of you know.

Did you ever break

a window (by accident or on purpose)

or something an adult valued that you

didn’t quite see value in until now?

What promise did you make after this?

Did you decorate your mud pies & sandcastles 

with berries you thought you couldn’t eat? 

With leaves or weeds you thought you could? 

How many times have you tried to help others

or yourself, but only made things worse?

Were they the ones who bandaged 

your bloodied toes when you biked in flip-flops?

Do your toys have autobiographies?
Did you not think to call the universe

you created an autobiography until now? 

When did you realize that the 

recurring nightmares you had

about being a misfit—

worse than the death ones—

were everyone else’s, too?

Did this make you think about

who you tattle-taled on?

And now, you realize that this is the law

that should be in place: for everyone to

travel back in time to pack these things

within reach before they graduate.

Because maybe you’ve already

job hunted or worn ‘business casual’ or

been told that now there’s freedom but

you feel a different kind of success

as if you’re learning what a mountain

or an ocean is all over again

& you cackle at the funniest memory you have 

the same way you did when it happened &

you know you still admire that person who 

you once saw as angelic or evil because 

you feel their pain, flaws, faults, mistakes as 

threaded to their wellspring

of teachings, advice, humour, or propensity to wound

& now you see their humanity & you feel it

& you’re still (often) embarrassed by many many many 

things that you wish wouldn't 

pop up like dartboards during naptime

but now you’re crying & smiling & laughing

because this is all packed now 

& coming with you for this long trip

& you’re more prepared than anyone 

because you know exactly what 

you would do if you could be the principal. 

Breathe the words in. What do they make you feel or think? How did they connect with your senses? What colours or symbols did you notice? What meaning did you draw? Metaphors? Interpretations? Clarity? Messages?